I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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