why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
