Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
