No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
