I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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