Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
