she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
