My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
