you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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