After last night, I could never be a politician.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
