i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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