If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
