The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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