I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize