please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
