I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
