um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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