So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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