i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
