Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
