I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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