the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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