you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
