A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The air was thick with penises
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
