bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i already hear my dad disowning me
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
