My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize