i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize