Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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