just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
