I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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