Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
my poor anus
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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