I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
