We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
