I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
