Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
