If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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