did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
