John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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