Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Randomize
