how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
