i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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