i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
