Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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