It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
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