im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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