My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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