I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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