Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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