remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
