i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
