i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
