I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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