I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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