She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
