My first STD was from a foam party
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
