Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
